The blood - my thoughts - cannot stop run down, everyday, every night. And there is no bandage for this.
Obsessional thoughts during the whole day, about food, about my weight, about cutting, about burning, about my potential fail at my final exams, about my family… Too many thoughts.
And nightmares. Nightmares almost every night. I’m complaining like a child, but I swear it’s really painful and scary. I wake up once, twice, sometimes three times, and in these moments, I realized how I’m alone, and the fact is, it’s my entire fault. I mean, I push people away, I’m tired of talking. I’ve got to the point that I feel awkward and very unconfortable even with my closest friends and it makes me sad. I just don’t know how to have an intimate relationship with someone.
And maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the fault of this fucking hideous body. I always feel so fat, heavy, ugly. I can’t look at people in the eyes because of this. I can’t barely eat in front of people. I can’t even do sport, because I feel too ashamed. Well, in fact, I can do nothing in front of people because I embarrasse myself.
And now, it’s fucking 30 degrees celsius in Paris (86 fahrenheit) and I have to wear long sleeves because of my scars and my burn, and I really feel like a moron. I don’t want my friends and the people at my nursing school to see them because I’m sure my friends will change their attitudes and I know everyone will talk about it, and judge me. As a future nurse, you’re supposed to be benevolent and neutral, but, after two years and half, I understood that a lot of girls in my school are superficial sluts who care about nothing but themselves. And it disgusts me. How can they claim to care about the others when they talk about nail art, make up, or the sexual perfomances of the last guy they fucked during classes ? Seriously, sometimes I just want to punch them in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up.
Well, once again, this post means nothing, and I’m going to bed. Sorry for polluting your dash.