And this morning, I’m a fucking zombie. I can’t even stand up.
When the fuck will I stop acting like a stupid jerk ?
Mirror, Mirror, on my wall, I want to be pretty, thin, and tall. Mirror, Mirror, if I change my hair, Maybe then someone will start to care? Mirror, Mirror, if I starve myself, At least I’ll be beautiful. Forget my health. Mirror, Mirror, if I cut my wrist, Will I finally feel like I exist? Mirror, Mirror, don’t you see? What you show is ruining me.
I’m not playing the victim. I used to get “pro-active” and try to plan activities, get in touch with others… I admit it’s more difficult for some time, but I’ve always been here for my “friends”, in good or bad times. And now, what ? I’ve never needed more support or love in my whole life than today, and all my “friends” just don’t give a single fuck. Well, I’m aware that I’m not a really interesting girl, but at least, I thought I had true friends.
So, I’m gonna disapear and lose more weight, keep taking too much pills for anxiety and sleep, keep cutting or burning maybe.
I don’t give a damn about myself too.
She phoned me few days ago and I was really desperate because I had binged. I felt disgusting, repulsive, guilty… As usual.
I told her, and she answered : “But that’s good, at least you’re not losing weight.”
For Christ’s sake… She’ll never understand that eating nothing or eating too much is the same fucking problem.
And I ended up in tears. My life is awesome.
My mother is afraid that I lose 45 pounds as I did 3 years ago. She almost cried when she took me back to my flat.
I’m a true piece of shit.
I’m going to take my meds and sleep.
Forever. Please ?
I can see my collarbone and my chest bones again. My clothes are too large for me.
My family noticed it and cast reproach upon me. I did not deny. It was useless.
I would like to say I am sorry. I am really sorry. Sorry for the worries and the anger.
I would like to say that I have no choice. I cannot eat, I have to lose weigh because I am too fat. I am a pig. A fucking ugly pig.
I would like to say I need to control everything.
I would like to say I am scared of myself. I am scared of everything.
I would like to say I do not know what to do anymore.
I would like to say “help me, I am lost.”
But they do not listen to me. They do not believe me. And I will not say anything. I can bear the weigh of their sadness, their despair, their pain, all those things they tell me. But I cannot bear my own weigh. My own sufferings. And they cannot too. So, I keep my mouth shut. I do not want to hurt them even more.
I feel like I am so far away from everyone. From everything. I feel so alone, but being with people make me ill at ease. I am really dumb…
I am sorry, but I think I will keep losing weigh. I am sorry, it owns me. I am sorry, I am worthless. I am sorry for being here.
Everybody tries to be kind with me, to please me, and I’m just like “get the fuck out I don’t wanna talk.” or “I don’t want your money, keep it for you, I don’t need anything.” or “No I don’t want a hug, don’t touch me, I’m not a child.” My mom often asks me if I’m fine, and I always tell her yes, but 10 minutes later I hide myself to cry. Or cut myself. Or binge.
The hate and sadness are literally eating me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I hurt my family, I ignore my friends, and that fucking voice inside my silly mind insults me all the time, says I should be dead, I’m a ugly pig, I’m useless, worthless, and I deserve nothing except unhappiness.
And the worst part is, when I apologize, they forgive me. Seriously, are they retarded ? I hate myself even more when they say ”it’s OK, everybody can be in a bad mood.”
No. No. NO.
I’m not in a bad mood, I feel depressed and sad. I’m not in a bad mood, I’m anxious about everything. I’m not in a bad mood, I have an eating disorder. I binge and I can’t even purge. I will never be underweight again. I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just a stupid hoe who don’t enjoy life, when people are dying in Syria. Great, I’m awesome.
So, don’t be kind with me, because I don’t fucking deserve it.