I’m not playing the victim. I used to get “pro-active” and try to plan activities, get in touch with others… I admit it’s more difficult for some time, but I’ve always been here for my “friends”, in good or bad times. And now, what ? I’ve never needed more support or love in my whole life than today, and all my “friends” just don’t give a single fuck. Well, I’m aware that I’m not a really interesting girl, but at least, I thought I had true friends.
So, I’m gonna disapear and lose more weight, keep taking too much pills for anxiety and sleep, keep cutting or burning maybe.
I don’t give a damn about myself too.
This month I am working in a senior home. I have a lot of work and sometimes, I feel like I am not giving enough for my patients, even if I try my best, despite my disorders. To me, caring about old people is important, because one day, it will be your turn to be old.
This afternoon, one of my patients, a 98 years old woman, is dead in front of me, in her bed. Natural death. It was the first time I saw a dead person. This makes me realize that finally, life is nothing. One day you are here, the other, you are gone.
We know we are mortal, but I think that secretly, everyone hopes that we are not. Until you see it for real.