She almost lost 22 pounds since August 2012. She’s really depressed and some friends and I advised to see her doctor.
I was sad and sorry when she told me that. Anorexia strikes again.
She told everyone about her diagnosis, and they were all like “I knew it, you’re really thin, you eat nothing blah blah… you look so fragile blah blah we’re gonna help you…”
My friends don’t know I have an eating disorder too. I never talk about it. And I think they won’t believe me if I tell them, because I’m not skinny. Medically speaking, I have a normal weight. When I binge, I starve for several days or take some medications to make myself vomit (I can’t purge “normally”).
Even if she’s my friend and I like her, I feel a bit angry, because our friends give her a lot of attention. When I lost weight, (my “anorexia period”) none of my friends at highschool noticed it.
Well, I am a really bad, selfish and worthless friend. If I could put myself in a garbage can, I’ll do it.
It’s like a hole in my chest.
It’s like I’m always looking for something I’ve lost many years ago. I don’t know what exactly it is. Something like affection. Something like love. This hole hurts me so much that I take strong medications (codeine, tramadol, anxiolytics, sedatives…) even if I know it won’t solve the problem. It only makes it worse.
One of my closest friend suffers from bulimia since she’s 14. She’s currently 20. She has a boyfriend for 1 year and half, and their relationship is serious. I really admire this couple because they accepted each other with their differences, their troubles. They take care of each other, they find strengh in each other. They look so bright together, so lovely.
And I’m always wondering how it feels to be loved like this. To be loved despite my eating disorder, my anxiety, my scars, my pain. How it is to be so intimate with someone.
It’s when I’m alone, laying on my bed at the middle of the night, desperately seeking sleep, that his hole become deeper and deeper. I have to say, I need love, I need people, my friends, my family, I need they say “I love you”. I need to know I’m alive, I’m important for someone. I need to feel love. I need someone who take care of me like I take care of my family.
But my mouth stay close, because I don’t want to annoy anyone, I don’t want them to think I’m weak, like a poor scared child.
Inside of me, I’m convinced I’m not good enough. I’m convinced it’s normal if people leaves me, because I’m worthless.
And everyday, I have these two voices inside my mind. The first one is begging for love, the other is yelling that I’m a fat, idiot girl who deserve nothing.
Please, love me.