I’m constantly having this feeling of lack. It seems like I miss something, but I don’t know what. It distresses me so much, it’s like a hole in my mind. And maybe I try to fill it by eating a terrifiying amount of food, and not necessarily with foods I like. It can be anything. I remember one day, there were only pasta sauce and a big jar of gherkins in the fridge. I ate them. Once or twice, I ate raw meat and frozen dough. When I binge, I become completely insane. I can’t even quantify what I eat, it’s just crazy and scary. I hate this, God I hate this so much. Sometimes, I eat until my body vomit by itself.
Everyday, I am divided by that urge to fill that hole, that lack, and the desire to be skeletal. It’s a constant battle in my mind, and I never know which side will win.
It’s almost the same thing when I cut or burn myself. I need to see the blood, I need to feel the pain, as if I miss her. I need to damage this body that I don’t want. I just want to puke when I look at the mirror.
But, seriously, what the fuck is that shit ? I need something, I miss something but I’m not able to say what it is.
My mind is just completely fucked up.
Time is an anvil. Time crushes me.
Yesterday, my psychiatrist proposed me to treat my disorders with an antidepressant. I cried and went hysterical in front of him, because I admited that I cut and I binged and tried to purge every fucking day, and had an anxiety attack last night. I know I said and wrote this a million times before, but I’m done. I cannot take it anymore.
I tried everything to get over bulimia, anorexia, sadness, guilt, anxiety, cutting, burning, but I failed. I tried to get better I swear. But now, I just cannot get better. I don’t believe in happiness. I don’t believe in recovery. And to me, taking an antidepressant is the symbol of that fail. I have never felt so worthless, ridiculous, good for nothing in my whole life. I have never hated myself so much. I don’t even know if I want to get better. I don’t know. I’m lost.
And now, what ? Should I take this treatment ? And if it doesn’t work on me, what will I become ?
I am so exhausted of all my bullshits, of being myself. I hate that fucking world, I hate people, I hate everything.