Yesterday, my psychiatrist proposed me to treat my disorders with an antidepressant. I cried and went hysterical in front of him, because I admited that I cut and I binged and tried to purge every fucking day, and had an anxiety attack last night. I know I said and wrote this a million times before, but I’m done. I cannot take it anymore.
I tried everything to get over bulimia, anorexia, sadness, guilt, anxiety, cutting, burning, but I failed. I tried to get better I swear. But now, I just cannot get better. I don’t believe in happiness. I don’t believe in recovery. And to me, taking an antidepressant is the symbol of that fail. I have never felt so worthless, ridiculous, good for nothing in my whole life. I have never hated myself so much. I don’t even know if I want to get better. I don’t know. I’m lost.
And now, what ? Should I take this treatment ? And if it doesn’t work on me, what will I become ?
I am so exhausted of all my bullshits, of being myself. I hate that fucking world, I hate people, I hate everything.