Through the Looking-Glass

Yesterday,

I was at my mother and step father’s home to look after my 5 years old brother during their absence.

I have a nervous breakdown in front of him. He just made a little stupid thing and I don’t know why I reacted this way. I love him so, so much. I try to protect him from the quarrels of my mother and my step father. I want him to be happy (and my other brother and sister too), and I am really upset that he has to live, with some exceptions, the same thing I lived when my parents were married. It literally breaks me. This little child didn’t ask to be on this Earth. 

Well, I was screaming and crying, I totally lost my self control, and I vomited at least 2 months of anxiety. He was scared, sat on the sofa, with all his cuddly toys and didn’t move. 

After this, I apologized, but I know it’s not enough and he has been hurt. I feel so terribly guitly, and I hate myself. I’m a true piece of shit, a selfish over-dramatic whore. 

I’m a student nurse for one and half year now.

This month I am working in a senior home. I have a lot of work and sometimes, I feel like I am not giving enough for my patients, even if I try my best, despite my disorders. To me, caring about old people is important, because one day, it will be your turn to be old. 

This afternoon, one of my patients, a 98 years old woman, is dead in front of me, in her bed. Natural death. It was the first time I saw a dead person. This makes me realize that finally, life is nothing. One day you are here, the other, you are gone.

We know we are mortal, but I think that secretly, everyone hopes that we are not. Until you see it for real.