Through the Looking-Glass

One of my friends has been diagnosed with Anorexia last week.

She almost lost 22 pounds since August 2012. She’s really depressed and some friends and I advised to see her doctor. 

I was sad and sorry when she told me that. Anorexia strikes again.

She told everyone about her diagnosis, and they were all like “I knew it, you’re really thin, you eat nothing blah blah… you look so fragile blah blah we’re gonna help you…”

My friends don’t know I have an eating disorder too. I never talk about it. And I think they won’t believe me if I tell them, because I’m not skinny. Medically speaking, I have a normal weight. When I binge, I starve for several days or take some medications to make myself vomit (I can’t purge “normally”).

Even if she’s my friend and I like her, I feel a bit angry, because our friends give her a lot of attention. When I lost weight, (my “anorexia period”) none of my friends at highschool noticed it.

Well, I am a really bad, selfish and worthless friend. If I could put myself in a garbage can, I’ll do it.

In a previous post,

I wrote that it’s been 3 months that I haven’t cut myself.

Last night I cracked up. At first, I was relieved to see my blood on the top of my hand and my fingers. But one second after, I felt like shit. The worst moron on this planet.

I’m going to lie to everyone. Again. I’m going to tell us that I broke a glass or something stupid like this. However, I surely will tell the truth to my psychiatrist. He will probably think I’m an idiot and I don’t think It won’t be the first time. I don’t care anymore.

And I will have to spend money again for compresses, antiseptic and dressing. My pharmacist loves me. I hope I won’t need stitches (again…).

I’m tired of myself… I disgust myself.

I’m tired of everything. I can’t get better. Never.

I’m so lost, and angry, and sad, and broken, and guilty, and ashamed, and alone.

All theses feelings in my head… I can’t take it anymore. It physically hurts me.