Everybody tries to be kind with me, to please me, and I’m just like “get the fuck out I don’t wanna talk.” or “I don’t want your money, keep it for you, I don’t need anything.” or “No I don’t want a hug, don’t touch me, I’m not a child.” My mom often asks me if I’m fine, and I always tell her yes, but 10 minutes later I hide myself to cry. Or cut myself. Or binge.
The hate and sadness are literally eating me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I hurt my family, I ignore my friends, and that fucking voice inside my silly mind insults me all the time, says I should be dead, I’m a ugly pig, I’m useless, worthless, and I deserve nothing except unhappiness.
And the worst part is, when I apologize, they forgive me. Seriously, are they retarded ? I hate myself even more when they say ”it’s OK, everybody can be in a bad mood.”
No. No. NO.
I’m not in a bad mood, I feel depressed and sad. I’m not in a bad mood, I’m anxious about everything. I’m not in a bad mood, I have an eating disorder. I binge and I can’t even purge. I will never be underweight again. I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just a stupid hoe who don’t enjoy life, when people are dying in Syria. Great, I’m awesome.
So, don’t be kind with me, because I don’t fucking deserve it.