I do my best… It’s been almost 3 months that I haven’t cut myself. It’s really, really hard. I think about it everyday, it haunts me, even when I don’t feel so bad. I spend hours trying to convince myself that it won’t solve anything, that it’s useless, and if I do it, I will never get better. So, I’m fighting, and I will keep fighting, because I don’t want to disppoint my family again, and some of my friends. I don’t have the right to do this to myself, when so many people have more reasons than me to be depressed, to cut, whereas they stay strong.
But it’s here, in my mind. Maybe forever, like my eating disorders. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won’t recover. It’s been too long now. 4 years. I starved during 1 year. I Binge/try to purge/starve somedays and cut for 3 years. I will keep living with all these shits, sadness, anxiety, self hate… Maybe I ‘fell in love’ with my sadness. I’m use to it. Without it, it’s not me. And I always have this desire to be thin. Not pretty, not beautiful, not like a model. No, I wanted, and I still want to be sickly thin. Insane, ridiculous, but true.
However, as long as these dark thoughts stay in my mind, and disturb no one, it’s ok. As long as I can control them, it’s ok. Everyday combat.