I’m constantly having this feeling of lack. It seems like I miss something, but I don’t know what. It distresses me so much, it’s like a hole in my mind. And maybe I try to fill it by eating a terrifiying amount of food, and not necessarily with foods I like. It can be anything. I remember one day, there were only pasta sauce and a big jar of gherkins in the fridge. I ate them. Once or twice, I ate raw meat and frozen dough. When I binge, I become completely insane. I can’t even quantify what I eat, it’s just crazy and scary. I hate this, God I hate this so much. Sometimes, I eat until my body vomit by itself.
Everyday, I am divided by that urge to fill that hole, that lack, and the desire to be skeletal. It’s a constant battle in my mind, and I never know which side will win.
It’s almost the same thing when I cut or burn myself. I need to see the blood, I need to feel the pain, as if I miss her. I need to damage this body that I don’t want. I just want to puke when I look at the mirror.
But, seriously, what the fuck is that shit ? I need something, I miss something but I’m not able to say what it is.
My mind is just completely fucked up.